Soul Dump Sunday: Take the Bean as a Win

Get Back to the Gratitude

For a loooong time, every time the shit hit the fan, it would act like a shock to my nervous system. Like all the things rushing down on me at once—from all directions. Talk about fight, flight, or freeze.

I don’t really freeze—well, not for long anyway. I tend to respond quickly, do the next right thing, do my best. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a crash after. There’s always an aftermath where I do freeze, or want to crawl into a hole to process what just happened.

There’s always that “Why me?” phase. The “Poor me” voice that creeps in. I find myself asking:

Why does it all seem to come at once?

What is the universe preparing me for?

Why am I being trained again?

And worse—Is something even bigger coming that I’m being prepped for?

That thought leads to fear.This subconscious, back-of-the-mind waiting-for-the-next-ball-to-drop kind of energy. But what I’m working toward now is ease. Letting it be okay to have a bad moment without letting it steal the whole day. Learning to compartmentalize, to stay calm and be present even in the mess.

And what I’m realizing is this: Abundance, ease, joy, peace—all the good stuff—it flows from gratitude. Not the forced kind. The real kind. The kind that comes from noticing what’s actually working. What’s good. What’s love. What’s freedom.

Last night I sat with a couple of girlfriends. Every now and then, I just need some girl time. We process differently. We hold space in a different way than my house full of boys. And though I love my home, sometimes a spin-off is necessary—for my clarity and my sanity.

We were talking about this idea of getting back to gratitude, and one of my friends started listing hers: Her little dogs. The fact that she can feed them fresh food. Shelter. Love. Friendship. Then out of nowhere she goes,“And I grew a bean.”

We died  laughing for a solid few minutes. One, because of how she said it—so matter of fact. And two, because that’s it. She planted a bunch of beans. And one grew. And that was her win.That’s what this is about. The small things. The tiniest wins that create the big picture.

This morning I looked around and saw mine: The pothos I’ve kept alive for a few years now—yes, I know they’re the easiest to grow, but for me, that’s a big deal. Waking up next to Peter, my husband of 20 years, who’s 25 years older than me and had a stroke a few years back.

Feeling his chest rise and fall. His heartbeat. I’m grateful for that every single day. Watching my kids walk through the door after being out in the world, where—let’s be real—everything feels a little dangerous lately.

The fact that I’ve built my own businesses over the years. Sustained them. Brought others along with me in the process. That I have a tight handful of loyal, trusted friends I can call when the shit hits the fan. And yeah—it hits the fan.

But I’ve noticed that the sooner I can get back to the silver linings, the better. Sometimes it’s just the timing of things. Having a hospital to take someone to. Having a phone to call 911—again. Having the strength to stay present without getting pulled under—so I can be of real support instead of getting emotionally tangled.

Strength. Courage. Resilience. Intrepidness.

It’s not perfect. It’s not clean. It’s messy, difficult, and sometimes wildly uncomfortable. But I’m still moving forward. Onward and Upward one way or another.

I’ve also noticed something else: when I tell the same hard stories over and over, they start to sink even deeper into my system. Processing helps. Naming it helps. But complaining? Complaining tends to make it all heavier. It brings in more of what I don’t want. So I’m trying not to repeat the negative stories unless it serves some kind of healing. I’m trying to stay aware of the difference.

So I’m choosing to get back to the gratitude. To take the bean as a win. To let more good things flow toward me because I’m finally seeing what’s already here.

Because even when life is hard, when it feels like we’re breaking in places—There’s still so much good. And there’s more good coming.

They say, thoughts become things. And the older I get, the more I pay attention to mine.

So today, I’m choosing this:

Get back to the gratitude.

Want to try it with me? Make a list of 5 simple things you're grateful for today. No need to overthink it.

One bean. A deep breath. A cool breeze. A friend who gets it.

Tag me @courtneygrayarts if you post yours—I’d love to see what’s growing in your world.

#SoulDumpSunday #GetBackToTheGratitude