Soul Dump Sunday: Boundaries, Baby

So Peter and I decided to take our youngest son out to our Wimberley Airbnb while it's empty for a couple of days. It's super peaceful out here and we have a couple of spots to go into the river. It's been a retreat for me and for us. Lovely, and I'm so grateful we have it.

So this morning I was sleeping peacefully, hoping to sleep in a bit and catch up on some much-needed rest due to recent stressful events. Peter’s phone rang at 7:19am—a call from our oldest son asking, “Where is the sledgehammer?”

You see, he just started his own business. We are super proud of him. He’s really been on top of it. The trouble with diving into something headfirst is we get pretty one-view focused on our agenda and that becomes the most important thing. I can relate so much to this, as I’m guilty of that hyper-focused agenda and “everyone else get out of my way” approach.

Anyway, it took me about an hour to get back to sleep.

Stupid sledgehammer.

I’m a bit hypersensitive lately, feeling like I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders and that I’m the only one who can find solutions for the events as of late. It’s also led to feelings of no one is helping me, why is nobody helping!?

The truth? They are trying. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have to offer.

I like to think I’m pretty good at setting boundaries, asking for what I want and need. Where I think I’m lacking is letting people help in their way—and giving them grace when it’s not done how I think it should  be done. I’m pretty sure I did the same to my employees when I ran a bigger business. A little helicoptering and criticizing can do a lot of damage.

So how do we let go, set clear boundaries and expectations, and then let others fall into whatever place they can within that communication? Including ourselves?

I remember when I had an all-female staff, and my right-hand woman called me at home once. She was dealing with an upset customer—we had done some mold making and casting for him, and he was unhappy with the bill and was yelling at her about it.

She said to me, “Courtney, you need to deal with this guy. I can’t. And I won’t be yelled at.”

I went into the office, spoke with her about the situation and what occurred. I then called—we’ll call him “Sam”—and explained the bill to him, reminding him that he had agreed to the price and the labor involved. I further explained that it was not okay to call my staff and take out any misunderstandings on them, especially with yelling or inappropriate blame.

I did this with a calm, relaxed approach and a very matter-of-fact tone. He realized his error and inappropriate behavior and sank into deep remorse and embarrassment. He claimed he would never feel comfortable coming into the business again, and said he really cherished the school and community there.

I explained it wasn’t the end of the world, it was fixable, and he is welcome back here. An apology would go a long way and we could all move forward with a clean slate. I then asked if he was interested in doing that now, over the phone, with my employee.He said, “Yes, please.”

She was grinning ear to ear when she received that validation of being mistreated and a heartfelt apology from this deep-down really nice man. The next time he showed up, he even brought her roses.

That was my job—to keep the peace. To set clear boundaries with everyone in the building, and at times, a lot of people. To put out fires and diffuse burnout strategically and with a calm approach. I honestly got really good at it.

I was trained at Whole Foods in my early days as the customer service representative, how to do this over and over again. I have a gift for making things clear with a super diplomatic tone and gentle redirection when anger or confusion arose. I thought I had this gift… lol.

You see, inside crisis or heightened events, this can build up—and it can come out pretty harshly to those I love and those that are close to me.I get determined, and sometimes harsh, when trying to define boundaries or the approach I think is best.

Why doesn’t everyone just follow my lead? Don’t they know I know best? Can you relate, moms? I think what I forget inside all of this is to set those boundaries clearly—and then uphold them without getting upset and over explaining, which I find exhausting.

Leading with: “I need X because of Y.” Getting a buy-in.

This builds resentment over time—and man, am I feeling that. Resentment is poison and not productive. It just leads to more frustration and less clarity and calm in direction. This is especially toxic inside family relationships. And it doesn’t get better if it’s not addressed.

People shut down, rebel, and carry their own resentment and anger. Then you just have one giant resentment cyclone that starts wiping out any chance of remedy or peace for anyone involved.

I know this. I get this. I’m wise enough to realize that this is not productive.

But it’s hard when I do state things clearly, ask for what I want—and nothing changes, or it only changes a little. I like results.... a lot.

But things take time to shift. We have to repeat the boundary out loud—with love and with a clear, calm tone. And then step back when possible.

The trouble is, crisis often triggers perfectionism or old survival habits like “I’ll just handle it.”

Instead, we have to learn to do our best, not fill in the gaps for others, and let things be good enough for now. We, too, can only do our best in any situation.

It’s the life-or-death events that make this so much harder.

My practice ethos this week will be: lightening up a bit now that I have a calm period, and practice setting clear boundaries and asking for help where I can.

The stepping back and allowing things to click for everyone around me—with the reality that I am truly stepping back—Surrendering to the process. Not pushing so hard at solutions, and letting others take accountability for their part.

Wish me luck. And I invite you to join me—what boundary do you need to set, personally or professionally? How can you take the first step to say it out loud and then uphold it?

Sounds easy, but it’s another practice to integrate into the routine. We've got this!